


i didn't try harder (at all)

by stonestars



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Big angst, Gen, i'll elaborate more about possible triggers in notes, sorta suicidal themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-03
Updated: 2018-04-03
Packaged: 2019-04-17 21:03:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14197647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stonestars/pseuds/stonestars
Summary: It’s not to say she means to die; she doesn’t.(Or, maybe, she does.)(No, she really doesn’t, it just happens, and she lets it.)-He sighs, standing up and pulling her up from the couch and into a hug.





	1. i lost myself

**Author's Note:**

  * For [75hearts](https://archiveofourown.org/users/75hearts/gifts).



> So; this is a gift for my dear dear friends Sofia and Kit!
> 
> Luce deals with sort of suicidal thoughts I guess? and it's sort of like; she doesn't kill herself, someone kills her, but definitely it deals with her guilt and thinking she deserves it. If you want any clarification on like, themes? you can send me a message on tumblr (stone-stars) or discord (stonestars#6445).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This first chapter is a gift for Sofia; Kit said "sad sad Luce" and so this.... is what that is. Hope you enjoy Sof (and kit)!

It’s not to say she  _ means  _ to die; she doesn’t.

(Or, maybe, she does.) 

(No, she really doesn’t, it just  _ happens,  _ and she lets it.)

It’s just that when the son of one of her former employees shows up at her door with a knife in hand, a knife she can see is dripping with silverpoint poison, and tells her to sit down in her chair because he has a story she needs to hear, she doesn’t call Carey or Killian or  _ anyone _ , even though she could easily do so.

After all, when he sits down across the table from her and starts talking about how she took his mother from him, how she wasn’t even thinking about the consequences of what she was doing, how she took his mother from his little sister and from his father and how there’s no excuse for that, she doesn’t try to defend herself. She’d be lying if she didn’t see Taako for a split second when he tells her it’s not something he can forgive her for, even if she  _ did  _ save the world. 

She’d be lying if she didn’t think that she deserved what was about to happen.

“You don’t have anything to say for yourself?” he says with narrowed eyes, the knife still steady in his grip.

“I don’t… I was wrong,” she says. Her staff is leaning against the wall behind her, she could reach it before he could reach her. She doesn’t even move to try. “Many good people have told me that.”

“You  _ took  _ her from me!” 

She really does see Taako this time, even though the man is talking about his mother and not his sister and she’s talking to a human and not an elf. 

Part of her wishes it  _ was  _ Taako. It would be righteous, in a way, in some twisted form of the word, if he was the one to… 

It’s then that she realizes that she doesn’t intend to come out of this encounter alive.

It should change more about her demeanor, but all it does is make her more steady when she pushes her shoulders back and nods slowly and says; “I did. And I’m so, so sorry. If I had seen any other way--”

“There had to have been,” he says. He’s angry, so angry.

“Maybe there was another way,” she says. “Maybe… I could’ve done so many things different.” She smiles at him. He’s holding a knife at her, a knife which would kill her upon even nicking her skin, and she smiles at him. “But… I didn’t see any other way at the time.”

“You could’ve just… not erased her,” he says. “It’s not that  _ hard. _ ”

She nods. “I thought it was the only way, but you’re right.”

He glares at her, but he lowers the dagger he’s holding just a little. “I thought you’d deny it.”

This is one thing she will not do. If there’s one thing Lucretia knows, it is that she has made so many mistakes in her life. That people deserve to be angry at her for them. She stands, walking around the desk to stand next to him, barely registering the fact that he stiffens and holds the knife up at her again. “I…” she begins. There’s a tightness in her chest that forces her to start over again. “I knew what I was doing, when I erased her,” she says, only half talking to the man, only half talking about his mother, “and,” she laughs, a bitter laugh, “I did it anyway, because in my mind it was the only way to protect people.” She shakes her head. “I’m not going to tell you I didn’t do it, because no matter what the fact remains that I did.” If she’s going to die, anyway… “I hurt people with my actions, people I really truly cared-- care-- about, and I might not have known you, but I knew… I knew  _ her _ and I knew how much she loved you.”

He stands. He’s taller than her, at full height. He’s holding the knife in his right hand, carefully poised so that there is no way it would nick his skin. 

“I’m not going to lie,” he says, “I came here today with only one goal in mind.”

She looks at the knife and then to him. “I know,” she says. 

He says; “Hold out your hand.”

And she does, because she’s already decided on this. She raises her right hand, pulling back her sleeve. Some part of her, the part of her that hears Magnus and Lup’s voices, telling her she might have been wrong but she was still part of the family, looks back towards the staff leaning against the wall. She could still make it… 

The rest of her, the part that hears Taako’s voice every night telling her that he can never trust her again, the one that sees Davenport sobbing uncontrollably when a sickness made it impossible to speak because it was too much like all the years he spent barely able to say his own name, the part that sees the pain in Magnus’s eyes when he tells her it’s okay and sees Lup, afraid of her own skin from years spent outside of it, crying because her family is in tatters, that part of her crushes the thought. She does not deserve to try, no, this, surely  _ this _ is what she deserves, she thinks.

He draws the blade across her open palm, calm for the first time since he entered the room.

It hurts, terribly, as her blood and skin around the wound is quickly stained with a black that begins to spread up her arm quickly, and she sees black spots swimming in her vision as it begins to spread across her chest, as well. He pushes the blade into her left hand, forcing her fingers around it, and she does not fight him.

“I’m sure,” he says, “you know that calling for help will not do you any good.”

She does, and instead of crying out falls back into the chair he had been sitting in as she watches him walk from the room.

-


	2. i found you in the fall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (slightly) less sad Luce, now with more Magnus, for Kit! Also the title for the fic and the names of chapters are all from Wounded Animal by Mary Lambert!

It takes so much longer than she anticipated, but not as long as she feels she deserves. 

It goes like this; one minute, she is gasping for breath, her body fighting the poison that is slowly making it impossible for it to function, and the next, she is standing up, her surroundings soft and fuzzy.

She almost doesn’t see Kravitz, leaning against the far wall.

“Kravitz,” she says, drawing herself up so that she is standing tall. She hadn’t expected it to be him that came for her. “I guess some crimes can’t be forgiven.”

Kravitz shakes his head slowly. “Lup’s on her way,” he says, “I couldn’t lie to her about this.”

“...and Barry?”

“Him too.” Kravitz sighs. “When I saw your name appear… Lucretia, it wasn’t your time. You could’ve lived so much longer.”

She sighs. “Let’s get this over with,” she says softly. It’s not like she isn’t ready to have a lecture from Lup, as well. 

“They’ll meet us on the island,” Kravitz says. He hesitates. “Magnus is going to be… heartbroken, Lucretia.”

_Magnus._ _Shit._

“I thought I’d have to skip the island,” she says. “There’s a punishment waiting for me, somewhere, isn’t there?”

Kravitz shakes his head slowly, beginning to lead her away. “Nope, no punishment,” he says. “Though, I can’t guarantee anything when Lup is through with you.”

It doesn’t matter what he’s saying, in that moment, because Magnus is there, standing on the bank of the island with a look on his face that is nothing short of heartbreak. 

“Luce,” he says, holding out his arms to greet her. “Are you… what happened?”

“She was _stupid,_ _irresponsible,_ and probably a little bit _suicidal,_ ” Lup says, suddenly behind the two of them, and Lucretia can hear the anger in her voice even without a face to let her know Lup’s expression. “You just _let him_ kill you, Luce,” she says, pulling Lucretia into a hug the moment Magnus releases her. It works, this time, because they are both in spectral forms of a sort. 

“You  _ what _ ?” Mangus asks, grabbing her away from Lup. 

“Guys,” she whispers, “I’m getting whiplash, here.” 

Joking about it worked for her for centuries, why not now?

The two of them turn to her, both glaring this time. “ _ Lucretia. _ ”

She shrinks a little under their gaze. Madame Director or not, there’s a part of her that still belongs to them and their centuries aboard the Starblaster. A part that had been hiding under all of her guilt. A part that is now bubbling to the surface.

-

When all is said and done, Lup, Barry, and Kravitz cannot do anything. They leave within hours, or what Lucretia assumes to be hours, leaving her alone with Magnus and Julia, who passes them as they head inside the cottage. 

“I’ll…” she looks at Lucretia, seeming to remember the few times she’d seen her--dropping off Magnus in Raven’s Roost and standing in the shadows at their wedding, watching--but shakes her head. “I’ll play with the dogs, out here,” she says. “You two should take the time to talk.”

This is how she ends up sitting on Magnus’s couch with him across from her. She does not meet his eyes, expecting them to be full of anger, of bitterness, of this being her fault.

He says; “Luce, what  _ happened. _ ”

She takes a sip of the tea Julia left on the coffee table. “I… had a run in with the son of a former employee, is all,” she says quietly. “How was I to know the knife was laced with silverpoint when he nicked me?” 

It’s a lie, and she is tired of lying. But soon she won’t be able to, and giving Magnus this, this little bit of… closure, is worth more than saving her already guilty conscious. 

“Lup said--” He chokes on the words and hesitates. “I don’t care, Luce. You did bad things, yeah, and no one is saying that everything--” he gestures wildly around the room “--wasn’t way more fucked up than it needed to be, but that doesn’t mean you had to… you had to…” he glares. “You didn’t have to get yourself  _ killed _ over it.”

“I didn’t--”  _ mean to. _ But she did. 

He sighs, standing up and pulling her up from the couch and into a hug. “I knew,” he says. “I should have said something, really I should have. I’m so sorry Luce…” he pulls her tighter. “Stay with us, for a while?”

She lets herself relax, even a little, into his touch. “Okay,” she whispers. 

-


End file.
